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Skip ! Story from Relationships. Whenever I need to find the time to do something that matters in my life, from exercise to writing to keeping up with friends, I always check my schedule and make sure I set aside the time to get it done — I put it on the calendar.

I also do that with sex. And in some cases, these conversations can bring up even deeper concerns. Last summer, I interviewed sources for another article on this topic, and I found myself bumping up against the issue of identity. It seemed that many sex schedulers, myself included, were initially hesitant to put intimacy on the calendar because we were afraid of what that would say about us.

We had internalized the message that sex was supposed to be spontaneous, and that needing to schedule it meant there was something inherently wrong with us, or our partner, or our relationship. Related Stories. True told me she used to be much more sexually active, and she missed that part of her life. I can relate. My relationship, and its focus on physical affection, played a ificant part in my acceptance of my body. Losing that constant validation threw me for a loop.

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I grapple with this side of my identity often. Who am I if I'm not being chased by an arduous partner? And what does it say about my commitment to feminism that I even ask myself this question? What does it mean about me, about my desirability, and also about my connection with my own desire, if I have to put sex on my calendar in order to make sure it doesn't get subjugated by sleep or obligations?

Is this just a of getting older and busier? Or is it an indication of a deeper shift? There are lots of different ways that people can find their identities being challenged by sex scheduling. Andrew Thomas Rotha relationship coach who often recommends scheduling sex to his clients — and who also implements a schedule in his own marriage — singles out the way that many of his clients who are cis men in heterosexual relationships react somewhat imperiously to his advice. But adjusting our mindsets can be extremely challenging. And this is part of what makes the issue of scheduling sex so tricky.

Or they may feel plenty of desire, but not have the energy to muster the arousal required to initiate spontaneous sex. Desire is just not as simple as being horny or feeling nothing. For True, it eases her identity discomfort to contextualize it among the other shifts in her life. She schedules sex in large part because she and her partner have a small child who takes up a lot of their time and energy. Spontaneous sex was a big part of that. That tradeoff is a reality of life. What I came to realize was that scheduling intimacy was an important way of prioritizing it, and my partner.

Talking about it ahead of time fosters communication, which breeds connection.

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And the more time we make for sex, the more we remember how much we enjoy it — yes, even more than an extra hour of sleep. History: My husba.

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Whenever I need to find the time to do something that matters in my life, from exercise to writing to keeping up with friends, I always check my schedule a. Earlier this month, the California legislature unanimously passed a law that would make it illegal for someone to remove a condom during sex without their.

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